Whuddup Greenblasters!

This week, at the Collision conference in downtown Toronto I met an awesome woman who knew me from my LinkedIn, and after chatting for a bit, she said:

“You’re so real, especially compared to (famous speaking coach who I won’t name).”

This made me embarrassed (and feel good), but also got me thinking:

I always try to be as real as possible. It’s one of my highest ideals.

It’s also how I try to separate myself from some of the other communication coaches out there:

These “gurus” are always demonstrating their beautifully clear and loud voices, crisp hand gestures & ability to be loquacious without filler words, but don’t strike me or this lady I was talking to, as particularly authentic.

I want to be the opposite of that: a speaking coach who prizes authenticity over skill.

But I’m ALWAYS failing.

I realized, most of the the time, that I’m completely full of shit. My instinct is to:

• Lie

• Omit

• Fudge

• Embellish

• Exaggerate

All to make myself likeable to the people I’m talking to.

Even you, reading this.

It’s a constant battle - and I’m using that word seriously - to be honest when I speak and write.

I want you to like me and think I’m smart, so I say what I think will sound good to you rather than what I truly believe, or in the way I truly want to say it.

This week, I want to talk about why I do that, how it actually helps me (and what you can learn from that), and how I’m working against it, if you’re in the same boat.

What made me this way

I became a child actor at the age of seven.

That was so young, I barely remember anything before that in my life.

Some of my strongest early memories are on a film set in rural southern Ontario shooting my first movie

Auditioning is weird enough as an adult; as a child I think it really fucked me up.

I talked about this in my Speaker Slam speech, but I knew that if I could get them to like me, I’d get the part.

And this job of auditioning trained me to be like this in real life.

My whole childhood I lied and held my tongue to get other kids to like me, or to not get beaten up. This desire to always be likeable, and the deeper fear of not actually being worthy of anyone liking me, persists today.

How being full of shit helps me (and what you can take from that)

Of course, getting people to like you is quite useful in life.

Many people want to be more likeable, and sadly the jobs and the opportunities often go not to the most qualified candidate, but the best “culture fit.”

I myself have gotten so many opportunities I haven’t been the most qualified for, partly because I know how to talk to people and tell my story.

These are the things I think make me “likeable” that may not be honest all the time:

•  Smiling, a lot

•  Making eye contact

• Being “upbeat” and “energetic”

• Agreeing with people, a lot

• Making lots of safe PG jokes

• Making sure I remember people’s names and how to pronounce them

• Showing people that I’m listening (eyebrows furrowed, nodding, holding a hand over my mouth, focusing on them)

• And finally, being really passionate about whatever I’m saying, so that the rest of the room gets a vicarious hit of energy from listening to me

I’m not saying you should start doing these as a strategy to get people to like you.

I’m saying this behaviour, conscious or not, helps me with people. 

Do with that what you will.

What I plan on doing about being full of shit

My communication skills have helped me, no question. My ability to morph into whoever I think someone will like allows me to network, interview, sell and speak onstage quite well.

But I’m sick of living like this.

I hate feeling phony. And I do ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

18 years ago, after my brother Luke died, one of the things we missed most about him was his radical and often brutal honesty. If he didn’t like you, you knew it, and he was often rude to adults and other kids.

I’m too much of a people pleaser to be like that. But ever since he died, I’ve been trying to honour his memory in a way, by being more and more honest, like Lukey was.

And what I’ve found is:

It just feels better.

Even when it causes conflict, or headaches.

I feel better the more honest I am.

So now, as a public speaking coach, content creator and person, I believe my main job is to:

•  Lie

• Omit

• Fudge

• Embellish

•  Exaggerate

… LESS than I normally would when I speak and write. That’s it.

Every day, every year, I try to peel back the layers of bullshit that I’ve wrapped around myself, and ask:

“What do I truly want to say? And what’s the most honest way I can say it?”

Now this doesn’t mean being cruel. Or not thinking about how my message will land with other people.

I know my job is also to meet people where they’re at, and practice empathy.

But being less full of shit means resisting the urge to lie for likeability, which runs so deep I barely know myself without it.

But I’m learning who I am, a little more every year, as I commit to this process.

And I highly recommend you do the same.

You may not be as likeable.

But you’ll like yourself a lot more.

That’s it for this week!

Please reply BULLSHIT if this email seems dishonest to you, or NICE if you resonated with it. And as always, please share with anyone you can think would like it.

Greenblast, out 🚀