How to prepare for DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Hey there Greenblasters! 🚀

This week, we’re talking about TALKING.

Specifically, when talking becomes shitty.

When you don’t want to do it.

When you have that physical discomfort and feeling of dread right before you talk to someone, because you know:

“This is gonna SUCK.”

We’ve all had these types of conversations:

• Firings

• Breakups

• Rejections

• Co-founder disputes

• Giving employees negative feedback

• Telling your spouse something frustrating but sensitive

• Or confronting a friend or family member over a deep problem

When you KNOW this conversation is coming, there’s a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you can feel your blood rushing through your body.

This makes total sense. As I always talk about, we are SOCIAL ANIMALS, and conflict with other people used to mean life or death for our ancestors.

All of that anxiety is built into our DNA (part of the reason for STAGE FRIGHT), and we have very understandable physiological stress responses to IMMINENT CONFLICT.

So, what can we do?

I have a 3-STEP METHOD I personally use to deal with everything from co-founder disagreements to family disputes, and to teach corporate leaders from companies like Wayfair, Boston Dynamics and Bird Construction.

This helps you NAVIGATE TOUGH CONVOS without feeling overwhelmed:

The 3-Step Method is about YOUR OBJECTIVES for the outcome of the conversation. The steps are:

1. DEFINE

2. REVISE

3. REMEMBER

The exercise can be done by writing these things down, speaking out loud to yourself, or even just musing in your head, following the 3 steps.

Let’s go 1 by 1:

1. DEFINE your objectives

It’s amazing how many people fail to properly think about this question before presenting, negotiating, or having difficult conversations.

What do you actually WANT from this convo? An apology? An agreement? A change in behaviour? A truce? A genuine repair? A deeper understanding of the other person? (This is a good one).

Without a clear idea of what you want, you will be in a mostly reactive state, defending your character when they attack, as they almost inevitably will; this is what happens in DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS.

And you’ll be more likely to attack them back without a “true north” of how you want this thing to go.

Don’t make this classic mistake.

Next:

2. REVISE your objectives

After you define what YOU want, ask yourself:

Is the other person likely to want this too? Why or why not? What might THEY want, independently of you? Are you willing to agree to this?

The more you think of the possibilities, the more empathy you’ll have for them, making it easier to be kind (more on this below) AND the less likely you are to be taken by surprise when they ask for something that might seem upsetting in the moment.

Finally, once the conversation starts:

3. REMEMBER your objectives

As Mike Tyson famously said:

“Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face.”

This applies to communication, metaphorically.

When someone says something that shocks, angers, or hurts you, it can almost feel like a blow.

Even the best objectives can go out the window in this moment, so make sure you REMEMBER what you want, and breathe through the emotion.

Bonus tips:

a. Breathe deeply into your belly as you’re talking, and right before going into the meeting. This will help regulate your emotions

b. Avoid accusing them of anything that is YOUR opinion. E.g. “You did that very badly” is your opinion; VS “You sent this email 3 days late” which is just you stating a fact. This makes it harder to argue.

c. Be kind. Because why the fuck not? “Kind” doesn’t mean accepting repeat mistakes or disrespectful behaviour; it means thinking of the other person as a whole human being, with strengths and weaknesses like you, and an entire life you’re ignorant of. Watch this quick YouTube video about the word “sonder” for a beautiful reminder of this.

That’s all for this week. If you are having one of these tough convos soon, please try this out and write to me if it helped.

Or if it didn’t, feel free to write me and tell me how dumb I am!

See ya next week,