How I stopped being a "people-pleaser"

Greenblasters!!

As the old Budweiser commercial goes:

Today, we got one for the PEOPLE PLEASERS.

To give the secret away upfront:

Instead of being a people-pleaser, I try to be a people-understander.

“But Will, what’s WRONG with being a people-pleaser?”

Well, if you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of your life worrying about:

• if other people like you

• if other people are mad at you

• if other people are sad around you

• if other people think you’re a “nice person”

And a whole bunch of other shit that makes it hard to RELAX and BE HONEST sometimes.

It’s exhausting, and leads to resentment in the long run because instead of telling people how you feel when something bothers you, you squash it down time and again until it explodes later in a big fight.

(The other person is usually shocked at your emotional outburst).

(BTW, if you’re not sure whether you’re a people-pleaser, you can take the Big 5 personality test here, and check your score for “Agreeableness”)

Of course, their are BENEFITS to being an Agreeable person, like showing people you care about their emotions, and taking care not to insult them.

But after 7 years as a communication coach (and 8 years in therapy lol):

I found there’s a better way to communicate, that’s more emotionally honest to others and less stressful for you.

And that is: trying to be a people-understander.

I want to be more honest and stand up for myself, but I don’t want to be an asshole either. A “people-understander” tries to thread that needle.

I’ll give you 3 concrete examples of what I try to do:

Example #1: Someone uses a rude tone of voice that bothers me.

People-pleaser (PP) response: IGNORE 

Asshole (AH) response: “Don’t talk to me like that, you little prick.”

People-understander (PU) response: “Are you upset about something?”

Why it works: This acknowledges the rudeness but allows the other person to state if they have some sort of issue. They either tell you what it is, or realize they were being unintentionally rude.

Example #2: Someone asks me how I’m doing when I’m not doing well

PP: “Oh yeah, everything’s great!”

AH: “Not good! Here’s everything I’m mad about…”

PU: “Things have been tough, actually: (BRIEF SUMMARY), but I’m handling as best I can!”

Why: This is vulnerable without “trauma-dumping” as the kids say. Many positive-minded people will hide any negative emotions, especially at work. This makes space for the other person to NOT be ok too, while still signalling to them that you can work/socialize.

Example #3: I’m onstage speaking to an audience

PP (inner thoughts): “Smile big, make jokes, stay ENERGIZED!”

AH (inner thoughts): “I don’t need to be entertaining for these douchebags, if they’re smart they’ll understand me.”

PU (inner thoughts): “I want them to understand and care about this; I’ll smile when I need to, but also challenge them, shock them, urge them, whatever the moment calls for!”

Why: A people-pleaser wants to be liked; this leads to favourable feedback but no real impact on the audience’s behaviour.

An asshole doesn’t care at all, and while they might get perceived as authoritative or confident, audiences lose focus during their presentation. BUT:

A people-understander UNDERSTANDS that attention is fleeting, and that being liked is not the goal of a speaker:

Audiences have a million things to think and care about. A mix of positive and negative emotions is interesting to watch and more trustworthy and persuasive.

And so…

That’s it!

I hope these 3 examples gave you:

• permission to stop people-pleasing

• strategies to avoid being an asshole

• and techniques to be a people-understander (trademark pending)(not really)

This one was a little longer, hope I didn’t BORE you or anything! (Jesus. So rude.)

Love you all, Greenblast out 🚀

P.S. If you ever wanna work with me 1:1, please use this link to book a full communication assessment and storytelling session: