It’s that special time of year again.

The “holidays”…

Where many of us may choose to re-enter the dragon’s den and spend Christmas or the federal holidays with the people we grew up with.

Some might not. Either because it’s too much, or you can’t make the trip, or you may not have anyone to go to.

Whatever the case, it’s a stressful time of year.

If you do gather as a family, you often tend to pick up old family dynamics.

If you’re anything like me and mine, those include arguing fiercely about CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES…

For my family, any of the following topics would - until recently - incite almost immediate yelling:

• Israel-Palestine

• Feminist issues

• Religion

• Free speech vs censorship

• Trans rights

• Black Lives Matter

• Right- vs left-wing politics

• Cultural appropriation

• The body positivity movement

And on and on. Basically a list of the “Culture Wars” that keeps Fox News and the Daily Beast in business.

I feel anxious even writing down these topics in this newsletter because I know the heated reaction that the very mention of these words provokes.

And that makes sense.

For a lot of people, these issues are deeply personal, and maybe even related to past or present trauma (Israel-Palestine anyone?).

But since my sister and I became parents, we decided on something:

We didn’t want to pass down to our kids our family tradition of blowing up at each other every family gathering, so we were going to work on it.

And it’s been working. Family events are way more fun and less emotionally draining these days.

Here are 5 things I do to keep things calm & peaceful, especially when anything controversial comes up in my family (which is a lot).

These 5 tips will also help tremendously in arguing with colleagues, employees, collaborators, stakeholders, investors, or managers!

Let’s go:

1. Avoid if possible

I love boxing. And as any good boxing coach will tell you, the number one self-defence technique is to AVOID FIGHTING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So a good way to keep the peace is to AVOID the controversy.

BUT because this may feel frustrating to the person who raised the subject, a good strategy is to make a plan to discuss it later:

“I know you wanna talk about that article Dan, but I’m trying to focus on getting the kid’s lunch ready. Can you and I discuss it when we have a bit more time?”

This makes the person feel like they’re not being censored, and therefore less likely to PUSH for the conversation (I speak from experience as the PUSHER).

If you can’t AVOID, try this:

2. Assume the best intentions

Often when we get into heated arguments with family, we are not just angry about what they’re saying in this moment.

We’re bringing YEARS of emotional baggage into the argument:

“You WOULD say that. You didn’t even share your ice cream with me when we were in kindergarten, so this FURTHER PROVES how SELFISH you are!”

The way I counter this emotional trap - not just with family - is to:

ASSUME THE BEST INTENTIONS, every time you hear something you disagree with.

If they’re saying something that seems ignorant, rude, obtuse, or even insane, ask yourself:

“What is the BEST version of this argument?” and:

“What GOOD place in THEM might this be coming from?”

For example, an “anti-vax” comment might not be coming from a selfish refusal to help others stay safe, but could be coming from a love of that person’s kids, and a fear of them getting hurt from an unknown shot.

Love of one’s kids and fear of the unknown are emotions we can all relate to.

When we re-frame the infuriating statements we hear our family members make, it reduces the negative emotions that come from labelling, fortune-telling and all the other cognitive distortions we make as humans.

If you still feel heated, this works wonders:

3. Ask questions about what they think

It’s amazing how often I forget to do this.

As a “Debater,” I hear something I disagree with, and I’m OFF.

“That doesn’t make sense! I’ve got the PERFECT counterargument to that.

Let me just interrupt them to tell them how stupid they are and I’m SURE they’ll immediately agree!”

As a public speaking coach, I’ve learned the power of asking questions. There’s a book on this I’m currently reading if you’re interested.

But as a family member - not anyone’s coach - I can use similar tactics to avoid conflict.

Instead of going right to:

“I disagree.”

I try to ask things like:

• “Do you mean A? Or B? Or something else?”

• “Is that because you’re worried about…?”

• “Why do you think this is so important right now?”

• “Do you feel frustrated/annoyed/hurt by what’s going on? What IS your feeling?”

Curious, open-ended, good-faith questions are like buckets of water to the furious fire of familiar family fighting.

Next:

4. Appreciate what they’ve said

Repeat.

Reiterate.

Summarize what they just said (the BEST version, remember?)

Say what you liked about it, or agreed with, or found interesting, and be EXPLICIT about it:

“I really liked what you said about … because I totally relate to that feeling.”

By showing them you APPRECIATE their point of view, you show them that you’re not ENEMIES in this convo, but COLLABORATORS, trying to find some interesting middle ground.

(A great YouTube channel to watch examples of this is Jubilee’s Middle Ground if you want to see long debates on hot topics. I love this show, as frustrating as it can be, and I learn a lot about communication.)

And to wrap this all up in a Non-Denominational Holiday bow:

5. Agree to disagree

There will ALWAYS be points you can’t agree on.

But if you feel like things are either getting out of hand, or you’ve reached a decent end to the conversation, try saying something like:

“I think we’ve found a lot of common ground, and I feel like you heard me and I heard you. Let’s leave it there for now, and know that I love you!”

This last bit might be too much for you, but I say this pretty much verbatim with my wife, mum, sister, and even father, and it works like a charm.

If you remember that EVERYONE, including you, has the opinions they do based on a complex cocktail of:

• education

• experience

• travel

• romantic partner

• culture

• peer group

• trauma

• genetics

• even epigenetics

… then maybe you can forgive them for not thinking exactly like you, because even if they’re in your family they’ve had a completely different life.

That’s it for this week, and this year!! I’ve had an amazing time writing these for you, and my only ask is:

PLEASE TELL WHOEVER WILL CARE about this newsletter 🙏

I hope you have an amazing holidays, or at least a few moments of peace and quiet, and I’ll see you first week of January 2024.

Greenblast out 🚀