Happy New Year Greenblasters! 🍻

Did you miss me?

I missed you.

Now say it back!

Just kidding, you don’t have to. But please keep reading if you wanna learn a question that has improved my:

• business

• marriage

• family

• and social life

I know it will do the same for you.

The question is (as you may have guessed from the title of this email):

“Where do I find you?”

Before I explain what that means, I want to credit my cousin Sam who taught me this amazing lesson.

He learned it by way of a family friend who’s a child psychologist.

The psychologist told my cousin:

“Every time I’m about to go into a session with one of my patients, I ask myself (about them):

Where do I find you?”

This helps the psychologist remember that even if he’s worked with this child for years, HE CAN’T ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.

Let’s dive into why this matters, why it works, and how to use it.

Why this question matters

Every day, I learn something about my wife I didn’t know.

Even if it’s just the way she reacts to something.

I know her better than I know anyone, and yet I’m still surprised by her, daily.

And yet when we’re talking, I’m almost always working off of a sort of “profile” in my head based what I know about her. Things like:

• what she likes/dislikes

• how she grew up

• her emotional triggers

• how she seems to be feeling today

All of these dictate what I say to her, and how I say it. You probably do the same, without thinking about it, when you speak to your family, close friends and colleagues.

But even for my wife, this profile is woefully inadequate.

How the fuck can I reduce her life to a one-pager?

A sort of mental Tinder profile or LinkedIn page?

All of our past and present experiences shape how we give and receive information, and only by staying curious and present can we truly connect with another human being.

Why it works

Whether your friend, partner or client knows it, they have a sense of your curiosity and presence when you’re speaking to them.

They can feel it by:

• the way you greet them, and listen to their answer

• how you follow up on certain questions

• your eye contact and facial expression

• your vocal inflection, pitch, pace, volume and clarity (what I call the Speech Settings)

… and lots of other cues.

Everyone wants to feel connected to the person they’re talking to, and wants to feel worthy of curiosity and presence.

“Where do I find you?” helps you stay open to the idea that they could be WAY DIFFERENT than the mental profile you have of them - temporarily or permanently.

Your file may need to be updated, even for those you know very well.

Finally:

How to use it

2 ways:

1. Ask YOURSELF “Where do I find them?” before going into a meeting with them

Say this out loud, write it on a piece of paper with extra notes, or just think it.

This will help your body, voice, face and words communicate to them that you are truly interested in where they are emotionally and mentally - right now, today, in the moment with you.

2. Ask them (and explain what it means)

This kind of question feels cheesy to a lot of people. If it does to you, or it might to them, then maybe avoid it and just do it the other way for now.

However, maybe they’re the kind of person who WOULD like this question, and you just don’t realize it, cause you haven’t updated their profile yet!

Hence the beauty of this question.

That’s it for this week, and Happy New Year again!!

Please try this question out, and let me know:

Where do I find YOU in this moment, at the dawn of 2024?

See ya next week 🚀